release, relief

Ninety days. 

Tomorrow will be my 90th day back in the U.S.A. It's been busy, bright, boring, and bleak, with all of these adjectives sometimes occurring at the same time. Over these last few months, I've been given new opportunities and responsibilities. The more I was given, the more I thanked God. But the busier I became, the more I relied on myself. Plans, relationships, daily things  -- I thought I had to be in control of it all. 

Tension strains my shoulders when I know I'm holding on to something too tightly. As I frantically grab on to things, fear tightens its hold on me. But today -- a mundane, cloudy Sunday -- there was breakthrough. "You have no reason to fear," my pastor said. "I'm not dealing with fear," or so I thought. 

As that thought lingered, the more I realized how tightly I was holding on to this life because of fear. I remembered the countless times my Father has graciously spoken that exact statement over my life these last 90 days. It is indeed true. I have no reason to fear nor any reason to hold on to my life. I am not my own.

"Happy holiness, joyful righteousness... is found in the laying down," ("This is True Life" by Justin Rizzo).